i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
