I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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