I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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