Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
