Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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