What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
