I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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