Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
