there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
