i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
