my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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