grandma shit on top of the toilet
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Randomize
