the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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