i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
