hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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