So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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