do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
