I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
