Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Is it because I queefed?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
