Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I feel great
I just peed on a car
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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