I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
