My hair reeks of homosexuality.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
