I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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