Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
