I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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