My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
