im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
