what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
