Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
