Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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