we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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