Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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