Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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