it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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