Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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