I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
