If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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