I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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