if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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