Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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