she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
