im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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