You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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