saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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