What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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