If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
