Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
