the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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