Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
