I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
