I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Randomize
