ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
