i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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