im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
