walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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