im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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