I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
