Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
