you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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